It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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