you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
