He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
