The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
