I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
