I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
