The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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