I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
