booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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