Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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