Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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