im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
