Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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