I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
