i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
