I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
