I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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