just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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