apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
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I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
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Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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