I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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