I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Dick very happy bro
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
