I feel like I'm in dance class right now
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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