Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
