you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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