im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
