She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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