She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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