remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
