We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
No subtext here. People are naked.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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