and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
