he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
