after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
