420 ftw
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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