I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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