I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
