Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
