u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I'm passing your future prison.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
