Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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