True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
