if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
