Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I enjoy the company of your penis
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize