If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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