If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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