There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
