I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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