ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
