If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
is wine microwaveable?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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