Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You're a waste of cheezeits
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
he had hair everywhere except his balls
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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