All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
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So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
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I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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