When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
