I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize