At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
