Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
