I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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