the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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