grandma shit on top of the toilet
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
