Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
