...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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